When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
