This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
