perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Can you bring me the toilet please
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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