Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
