Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
