Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
