now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Randomize