its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
