I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Randomize
