On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
is it fun? or sober?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
