1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize