I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
