I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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