Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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