you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Randomize
