Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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