I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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