When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
