just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
