Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
