I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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