ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
