I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
