I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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