how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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