I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
My Sexting was not on an AP level
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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