A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
