im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize