I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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