Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
