You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Randomize