Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
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