Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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