Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
