I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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