Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
