I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
so much tequila, so little girl.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
