Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Randomize