Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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