Porn is love you can see.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
