It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
