Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize