Your mouth is God's brothel.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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