well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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