Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm way too hungover for life right now
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize