too bad you live with your parents still
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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