Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
