if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Oh god it's open bar.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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