The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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