ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
