Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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