I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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