ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
