He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
