Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
