I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
We left the knife in your bed.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
