I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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