i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
