I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
