I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
she smelled like a LAN party
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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